It Shouldn’t Be Lonely at the Top: Lessons in Leadership, Connection, and Courage

A Thriving Changes Reflection Inspired by Udo Graf

There was a season in my life when I believed that strong leadership meant doing everything alone.

I had just stepped into a new role - one filled with possibility but also pressure. I was trying to prove myself, to stay ahead, to hold it all together. And though I was surrounded by people, I felt deeply isolated.

When I spoke with Udo Graf for the Thriving Changes podcast, his words hit like a wave of truth:

“It shouldn’t be lonely at the top.”

Something about that moment unraveled a quiet belief I had carried for years - that leadership was supposed to be heavy, that being strong meant carrying burdens in silence. Udo’s wisdom, however, told a different story - one rooted in clarity, connection, and choosing people over performance.

What follows isn’t just a recap of our conversation. It’s a collection of life lessons that rose to the surface as I listened to Udo’s voice, reflected on my own journey, and thought about all of you - leaders, changemakers, seekers - navigating your own paths through adversity.

1. Mentorship Matters: Learn, Then Lift

I still remember the words of my first real mentor, “You don’t have to know everything. You just need to stay curious and stay kind.”

That line saved me more than once.

Udo reminded me how much of who we become is shaped by those who pour into us. But more importantly, it’s not meant to stop with us. We’re here to pass it forward.

Try this: Schedule a “Mentorship Moment” each month. Support someone who reminds you of your younger self. You don’t need all the answers - just your presence and your lessons.

2. People First, Always

Years ago, I took on a contract that looked good on surface but something in my gut said no. I ignored it. I needed the income. I needed to keep moving.

But it cost me. I found myself surrounded by a team misaligned with the values I held dear. The work felt transactional. My energy drained.

Through that experience and others like it, my perspective began to shift. I learned the hard way that building a team isn’t just about filling roles. It’s about laying the foundation for something greater - a shared purpose, a culture, a rhythm that sustains the work and the people behind it.

Udo’s advice echoed what that season taught me: “Focus on building the right team. When you invest in people, the results follow - not the other way around.”

Try this: Start your next team meeting with one question: “What’s something you’re proud of this week?” Watch what happens when you make people feel seen.

3. Purpose-Driven Growth

One of my coaching clients once shared, “I feel like I’m performing at work, not contributing.”

That insight struck a deep chord with me - because I’ve been there.

When we’re not aligned with our purpose, our energy leaks. But when we operate from passion and ownership, we don’t just get more done - we feel more alive.

Udo put it beautifully: “Help individuals grow where they feel passion and ownership. That’s where lasting impact begins.”

Try this: Ask your team (or yourself): “What’s one part of your role that energizes you and one that drains you?” Then adjust where possible.

4. Clarity Over Consensus

I once rolled out a new program to a team I was leading. It was strategic. It was smart. And it completely flopped.

Not because the plan was bad but because I hadn’t explained the why. People were confused. Some were resentful. I had sought compliance instead of clarity.

Udo’s reminder landed like a bell: “People don’t have to agree with every decision, but they do need to understand the why.”

Try this: The next time you communicate a decision, take one extra step: share the reasoning. Not just the what, but the why.

5. Courage to Confront

I once avoided giving feedback to a collaborator because I didn’t want to “rock the boat.” She was well-respected and brilliant at what she did, but there was a clear misalignment in our strategy planning and working styles. It didn’t feel like a partnership - I felt dismissed, and the dynamic leaned more toward advice-giving than collaboration. 

I kept justifying it. She’s just passionate. Maybe it’s a phase. Who am I to call it out?

But silence has a cost.

Eventually, I stopped contributing. My performance took a hit – not because of her actions alone but also because I lacked the courage to speak up sooner.

Udo’s words are a vital reminder: “Don’t shy away from bad news. Address it head-on before frustration spreads.”

Try this: Open the door gently but honestly: “Can we talk about something that’s been weighing on me?”

It may feel uncomfortable, but discomfort now is better than disconnection later.

6. It Shouldn’t Be Lonely at the Top

When I launched my first group program, I poured everything into it - content, structure, onboarding, delivery. On paper, it was a success. Registrations came in, sessions ran smoothly, feedback was glowing.

But somewhere around week three, I realized something unexpected: I had no one to share the behind-the-scenes with.

The doubts.
The decision fatigue.
The late-night second-guessing.

Every challenge felt like mine to carry, and every win felt strangely muted. I was building it alone.

That season reminded me of something I now hold sacred: even leaders need a space to be held, not just hold space for others.

Udo’s words echoed that truth: “Leadership should be collaborative and connected. Isolation is a warning sign.”

We don’t need more lone heroes in leadership. We need more real conversations, safe containers, and people who remind us that we’re human first.

Try this: Create your “connection circle.” A few people in both spheres, personal and professional, you can turn to not for answers but for reflection, grounding, and realness. Leadership gets lighter when it’s shared.

7. Authentic Self-Marketing

There was a time when I tried to brand myself like everyone else - polished, buttoned-up, never too vulnerable. But it felt like wearing clothes that didn’t fit.

It wasn’t until I rooted my voice in my story, my purpose, lived experience, my healing that people really began to respond.

Udo captured this with depth: “Before you promote yourself, know your purpose, your passion, and your confidence. Then others will believe it too.”

Try this: Write a one-line purpose statement and include it in your bio, signature, or website. Let it speak for you before your resume does.

8. Success with Meaning

A couple years ago, I worked with a team going through a major transformation. The engagement was a big win - strategic visibility, generous compensation, measurable results. By every external measure, it was a milestone.

But the moment that stayed with me was a quiet conversation with one of the leaders I had coached during the process. As we wrapped up, he paused and said, “You didn’t just help me become a better leader - you helped me become a better father.”

I remember that moment vividly because that’s what success feels like when it has meaning -when the impact reaches beyond the workplace and into someone’s life.

Udo’s words echo that truth: “True fulfillment comes from the difference we make in others’ lives.”

Try this: Instead of asking yourself what you accomplished this week, ask: “Who did I help grow?” Let your legacy be measured in ripple effects, not just results.

9. Hard Times Create Strong Bonds

When I lost my cousin Dimpy to cancer, I was newly relocated and deeply alone. Grief amplified my loneliness. I was surrounded by people - neighbors, coworkers, friendly smiles but I felt utterly alone.

But something beautiful happened in the years that followed. I slowly reconnected with Dimpy’s daughter and now, share a beautiful bond with her six-year-old daughter.

Udo’s insight is real: “Even difficult moments can become treasured memories that build deep, family-like relationships.”

Try this: Reflect on a hard season. Who walked with you through it? Reach out. Thank them. Nurture that bond.

10. Set Yourself Up to Win

There have been roles where I felt like I was constantly swimming upstream. No matter how hard I tried, something felt off. Misaligned. Misplaced.

And then there were roles - like the one I’m in now - where work feels like an extension of who I am. Where success feels sustainable.

Udo said it best: “Choose environments where your strengths can shine.”

Try this: Ask yourself weekly: “What gave me energy this week? What drained me?” Use your answers to make micro-adjustments toward alignment.

Final Words: Let Leadership Be a Shared Journey

What I took from Udo’s voice and my own story is this:

You are allowed to be human in your leadership.
You are allowed to need support.
You are allowed to redefine success.

Thriving doesn’t come from climbing alone. It comes from building bridges, taking aligned action, and remembering that your story - messy, beautiful, unfinished is your greatest strength.

Much love,